“Please sir, I want some more.”
“WHAAAAT?!”
“Please sir, I want some… more?”
“MORE???”
In that early scene at the orphanage, Oliver Twist wanted more gruel, but we all know that the scene meant more than that. Like Belle (“I want much more than this provincial life!”), Ariel (“I want more. I want to be where the people are…”), and so many other characters who populated my childhood and perhaps yours, Oliver spoke for all of us wanting more out of LIFE.
It’s natural to want more. It’s the ego’s job, after all. The ego is designed to strive so that it can keep us safe. We are safer when we are accepted by our peers, when we are impressive to potential mates, when we are strong so we can escape that tiger, and on. And beyond the ego, we humans just feel GOOD when we are learning and growing.
But strangely, many of us feel shame for wanting more. And I find that this is because many of us have been shamed for wanting more. The response to verbalizing the desire to do something big, meaningful, and important is often: “But why?” “Can’t you be happy with what you have?” “What’s wrong with a normal life/job?”
Well-meaning family members and friends have linked wanting more with not having gratitude for what we currently have. Or, they are worried for us, because going for more feels risky.
And so, my clients (and I, back in the day), think, “it must be wrong to want more…”
And that is a bummer. So I propose an alternative approach.
What if more is GREAT? What if we can want more AND feel grateful and satisfied with what we have?
How? With these distinctions, for your consideration:
1. Rather than making your desire reactionary, ask “What’s next?”
People often interpret “wanting more” as “wanting change.” ie If I want something different than what I have currently, it must mean that what I have currently is bad or not enough. That can feel threatening to those around you – they can feel like they are not enough for you. And it can even feel threatening to your limbic system, which is built to think that what’s known is safe. Hence, change must be unsafe.
But what if wanting more doesn’t have to be reactionary? What if it’s not a response to the present or past, but simply a desire for the future? What if “wanting more” simply means, “what’s next?”
Life is long, after all, and it is composed of many different chapters. You can be grateful for the past and just simply be ready for the next chapter. This approach can feel less threatening to all. And, it’s more fun, because you’re not creating your future based on the baggage of your past. You can imagine and build something new and entirely fresh.
2. More achievement, or more fulfillment?
“More” in our capitalist society often means more money, more success, more influence, more accolades. Consider, if you’re longing for more, perhaps your desire is actually for more:
Simplicity
Wonder
Connection
Creativity
Free time
Depth
Adventure
3. Make the choice to be satisfied every day
Multiple clients of mine, when we were first in conversation, deeply identified with that quote in Hamilton: “I will never be satisfied.” They had a deep longing for something more, and it left them feeling incomplete and full of craving, nearly every day. Oohwee, how painful and uncomfortable. (I know, from past personal experience.)
The cool thing is, the I-will-never-be-satisfied belief is just that: a belief. And we can choose to believe something different. We can believe that while we are going for more, we can enjoy the sh*t out of the present. Even in the difficult times, you can be a connoisseur of satisfaction. Rather than giving into your human negativity bias, you can actively bring your attention to the fun, fascinating, magical, and pleasurable moments of your day-to-day.
One of my favorite practices you can try: at the start of your day, ask yourself, “What fascinating thing will happen today?”
4. Slow down to speed up
Lastly, and this is key: being a connoisseur of satisfaction while you’re going for what’s next doesn’t mean chasing quick dopamine hits and shiny objects, or being in constant frenetic motion because it’s uncomfortable to be at rest and face your life. Those are all attempts to fill that hole of craving — to grasp at feeling better while being unhappy with the present.
Instead, slow down to speed up:
Be with your feelings, as icky as they are to feel sometimes – because as I’ve said before, if you allow yourself to feel your feelings, you’ll work through them faster and more completely. You’ll find that any desperate craving feels less and less acute, and is instead replaced simply by motivation.
Consider taking a break, or simplifying your current day-to-day, so that you can work through the hard stuff with fewer mental and physical demands. That way, you have a solid, smooth foundation from which to speed up and create what’s next.
Helpful? Let me know.
Warmly,
Kathleen
p.s. I'm practicing what I preach. I’m slowing down over the coming three weeks to shore up my own foundation, bringing myself to the next level of solid and smooth. I’ll write to you afterward!